An explanation of and context for October 2020 through March 2021
From October 2020 through March 2021 I went through the worst experience of my life, and caused pain and hardship not only for everyone around me, but also for the many patrons of the business I had built. I’d like to give context surrounding the events, as it was unfortunately very public and while there was a lot written and posted about it, only me and my family know the full story. I do not want to excuse anything or look for pity or sympathy, and I apologize to anyone touched by any of this, it was horrible all around. (Sorry for the length, I’ve tried to include everything important. For anyone not wanting to read it all — and believe me I don’t blame you — there are bullets near the end.)
In September of 2015, after 10 years in the restaurant industry, I signed the lease on Betty Rae’s first shop. In the following 3 years I would grow the business to 2 brick and mortar locations and 1 food truck, both operating 7 days a week. My wife worked full time and looked after our two young children (soon to become 3 when our son was born). I had put in grueling hours at every job I worked before this, and I was still unprepared for the intensity and stress of this new position. Most people will never experience how hard business owners work, and most business owners will never experience what we had from very early on; we were easily one of the busiest businesses in town, and success is always double-edged.
During this time I was working 90 or more hours a week, barely seeing my family. My wife was shouldering a great deal, and the marriage got rougher. My wife’s mother passed away unexpectedly in 2018, which was an unimaginable and tragic blow to all of us that we had no time or space to cope with, adding to an already difficult situation.
I have dealt with mental illness my whole life, mostly severe depression and anxiety exacerbated by epilepsy as a child, which continued into my adult life. My anxiety was worse than ever from 2016-2021, every day I would wake up in the early morning with a panic attack and work intensely all day into the night. I tried medication and therapy when I could find a little time, and self-medicated with alcohol and marijuana, unfortunately common in the industry.
In mid 2020, a few months after my wife left her full time job to help run the shops, I was put on a new medication for anxiety. It seemed to work, and soon I was feeling better than I ever had in my entire life. Later my doctor would find that the medication triggered a manic episode lasting months (a rare but present side effect), and this is how, too late, we found out that I had bipolar disorder.
In October 2020 everything came to a head and exploded. In a manic state one feels better than ever before, even invincible; poor decisions are made that feel like great choices; one engages in impulsive and destructive behavior; emotional distress and trauma spread like wildfire all around the manic individual, who feels great. I had all of this.
I want to stress that the things I did were new and uncharacteristic events that shocked and frightened everyone around me, it was not a pattern of behavior finally coming to light (as is common in the toxic narratives coming out of the food and other industries, that we’re familiar with). Unfortunately with the reporting and bits of information coming out I looked like just another creep being exposed, and rather than responding intelligently I only made things worse, as I thought every action I took was perfectly reasonable.
Paranoid, I was convinced that my wife was out to get me and using the children against me. My marriage fell apart, and a scuffle that I started with my wife saw me arrested for domestic violence. That charge covers a lot of things, and I don’t want to excuse it or lessen any trauma, but I want to note that it was on the lower end of the spectrum, no one was hit or struck, the fight was done the instant the police were called, and I went to the front porch to wait for them. My family called the police quickly as they were scared of my erratic behavior, so the fight only lasted a few minutes. I have to repeat, I am not making excuses or diminishing any of this, it was truly awful for everyone around me.
The charge meant that I could not contact my wife, so we could not work together to help things, not that I was in the mind-state to do this. Employees were scared, and all but two eventually quit. (I myself have left jobs under similar but not as severe circumstances, again unfortunately common in the industry.)
The worst thing I did apart from the domestic violence was taking a graphic photo that anyone with access to my apps could see. It was taken to be sent to a single party (unconnected to the business) solicited, and was immediately deleted. All of the ipads in the shops were connected to my icloud, a result of being too busy to set things up differently. This was never a problem in the past, as literally all of my photos were just kids and ice cream. Employees would take funny photos with the ipads and they would appear in my picture roll as a prank, it was not smart but it was never problematic. But now, as people were frightened, they monitored my activity and found the photo in my images, in the deleted folder. In the reporting, it sounded like I shared an unwanted image recklessly, and it was truly a horrible thing but it sounded much worse than it was. I regret and am ashamed of all of it, and apologize to everyone, this is not something anyone wants to see or even become aware of.
One of the things that hurt me most is that as a worker myself who came from the bottom up, I worked so hard to make the shops a safe, fun and rewarding place to be employed. We paid well and offered healthcare, minimized stress as much as possible, and as a result had great retention, many longterm employees and even several sets of siblings working at the shops. We were close and I loved it, but I wrecked it all and made a traumatic experience for the people I cared about most.
As things progressed I was hospitalized three separate times involuntarily by judges’ orders, each time making little progress. Being manic with resources is incredibly dangerous, I had the ability to continue bailing myself out, doing whatever seemed good to me and had no one to answer to. I even communicated with the media and continued shop business from inside the mental hospitals. Most people in my situation permanently wreck their marriages, and often end up dead. After the hospitalizations and hitting bottom I fell into a severe depression like none I’d experienced, and attempted suicide three times. The last was stopped by failing a background check to buy a gun, if I had been allowed to purchase it there is no chance at all I would still be here.
Through it all my wife and family stood by and waited, doing whatever they could and eventually getting me back and walking the path of recovery with me. It is no exaggeration to say that they saved my life. My wife and I are together and mending, I finally get to spend time with my children, and we’re able to build a new life, more than I possibly could have expected. The business was purchased by a past employee and friend, who also saved my life and is responsible for making everything I’ve done since then possible. I will not be able to repay these debts as long as I live, these people didn’t give up on me and I’ll remain forever humble and grateful.
The awful and erratic person I became was me, but it was also not me. I am the husband and father who built a beloved business, who worked endlessly for every employee and every customer, who replied to every email and social media post, paid above average and donated considerable amounts to charitable organizations, and who did his best to build good will and community all over the city. I have destroyed most of this and continue to make amends, but I will always be proud of what we accomplished in just a few years, and will cherish the relationships that remain.
The too-long-didn’t-read version:
Years of stress and mental illness, combined with dangerous self-medicating built to burnout and a breaking point in October 2020.
Not yet diagnosed with bipolar disorder, an anxiety medication triggered a severe manic episode lasting months.
During this time I did several awful things (detailed above), that in my mania felt like great decisions. My lifelong anxiety and mental illness was suddenly gone and I felt invincible.
Nothing that I did was a pattern of behavior in my past: I cannot stress this enough. I do not say this to excuse any of what I did, but so many people read about it and likely came to the conclusion that I was a horrible person finally caught. This just is not true, I was literally insane for all of it, and what I did shocked and scared all around me.
I was forcibly hospitalized 3 times, eventually hit bottom with a severe depression, attempting suicide three times. My family saved my life.
I am off of all substances and have a great regimen of medication. I’ve made amends where I can, and am building back a new life.
I apologize to everyone. I hurt my family and traumatized my wife, I frightened people who worked for me and whom I truly respected and cared for, and I hurt (in whatever way) everyone who had loved and patronized our business. The adults and children who came in, many regularly, meant so much to me, their smiles and enjoyment made the work and stress worth it. I’m so sorry to all.
Thank you for reading and understanding, if there are any questions or follow ups my contacts are easily found, and I don’t mind discussing any of it: I’d love for everything to be clear — not excused, not diminished, just understood.
David Friesen